euu typedd*:
**********
Secrets...
my life... hate it... no1 truely kw how i feel... i deeply depress i am...
im always smiling... of cus from the outside u think im fine... but im nt...
stress over family financial... stress over wu shu decision...
stress over relation ship... stress over my health and condition...
should i work for $$.. or should i help out raymond coach...
should i go nyp for training... cus tt was my wish and i reli wish it could be...
but if i go... i cant help out raymond... and i dun wanna leave those kids i kw for so long...
raymond seldom ask me train... offen lead the warmup and teach the kids...
but i wish to train... i wanna compete in competition... join nyp wu shu club... get to kw new friends...
wanna get close to shi fu they all... jux lik all the senior in nyp wu shu... (if u notice)
IS RELI FUSTRATING!!! I CANT MAKE UP MY MIND!!! I CANT MAKE THIS DECISION MYSELF!!!
I NEED HELP!!! I WANNA TRAIN AND IMPROVE MYSELF!!! I WANNA BE A COACH NEXT TIME!!!
IM IN SERIOUS NEED OF HELP!!! WAD SHOULD I DO!!! wad should i do....
im lost... alone... gf/bf relationship also gt prob... due to long time ago scar... wan to get it away but i cant...
i reli wish to be wid her... but her family... her life... i cant take it... i cant stand it... i cant live wid it...
i wan to break... it did pass through my mind... but then i'll hurt her alot... i kw she truely love me...
thats wad i think...
i hope im right...
truely hope so...
so many problem in my life... i need to work out... money is one important point...
i need control my flow of money... always taking money from parents...
oni work once in my life... and earn less then 200 plus...
im in need of money... every1 is...
my body... hate it... is weird... people cant fully understand the damage it done to my life...
i say it out yes... i did... but then... do u kw how it feels... how painful it may be...
living a life widout proper skin... on both hands and legs...
to add to the damage... nw my backbone... doc say nt major so no need operation...
but for me it is... IT IS A MAJOR IMPACT!!!
alot of wu shu move cant do properly... alot of thing i cant do for long...
but then i can skip army cus of all the prob... isit a gd thing or a bad thing...
im lost... alone... dead...
friends... hard to find trusted friends now adays... cannnot fully depend on them...
the oni trusted friends i have... wu shu i hav 3... outside i have lees then 15
the rest... i reli dunno how to trust them fully...
yes i trust them... but my fully trust them is meaning they can keep a secret...
or stay the same... how they r... their personality... hope they dun change...
hope nth to be changed...
example of my friend... used to love tt guy alot... reli trusted him...
oni to kw that aft sec sch... he change... alot...
into a person who we do nt kw anymore... does nt even represent the slightless of his past...
and ignored us... some friend we call it... FUCK YOU BIG TIME!
we all trusted u for so long... and out of nowhere... u change into some other person...
and totally ignor everything we used to do... WTF WAS THAT LA!
if u were to change... at lease change into something or some1 we still kw...
nt into something totallty new and we dun understand... lik we r some pets or toys...
play finish can jux throw away... ignore us... like we r nt even there...
that y... i rather stay the same... a childish kid... nv to change...
so people can reli trust me... and that friends forever will reli last...
i hav to many of such case... i dun wish to say no more... nyp wushu there is a recent one... nt gg say who...
is damn obvious...
im writing it all here to let it all out... this is nt suppose to be told out...
but then i kw no1 will visit my blog... no1 will understand me question from this blog...
and y i name this link as Soft Hearted Kid...
cus of all the things i jux said... u can tell im soft hearted... veri...
and jux shed a tear... 1st time blogging till tear came out..
finally i let it out... at lease to a place where no1 will kw... no1 will come...
u normally see me as a happy and friendly person... nw u kw who i reli am... how i reli feel...
i oni hope to be noticed... nt left out.. nt out of group... nt out of friends...
if some1 reli is reading this... i hope u understand how i fell... y my msn will nv change...
y my blog write i hate to change... nv to change...
everything inside this blog is real... nth is fake... this is my 1 and oni diary...
the true Diary Of William Goh Rui Teng...
the emo boy boy... or can say... the alone...
(Broke up wid her on NDP)
(is over...)
Date : OCT 25 09
To : Jeannel
this is something i dint expected to happen.. aft breaking up wid u... i reli though we both dint fit each other...
thinking those words on top... was something i should nt hav said... i let the stress of sch, wu shu, ndp, and family got to me...
the day when i wrote those words... i mean everysingle word... it was reli how i felt.. at that time...
but ytd... i saw some1 tt look lik u... thinking it is u... and the tall guy... sure look lik the bf of urs... shawn...
i look carefully... and it was truely u... u look damn beautiful... wid the handsome bf... cuddling and walking out mrt gate...
then i decided to say hi to u... i hav no idea y i did it... but i jux wanna...
u reply back... wid a smile... tt i always see on u...
then we went our ways...
and tt when it happen... i was reminded of the past i had wid u... the times...
and i nw kw y u hate me so much... i understand y...
as a bf... i dint do my job... that is to TREASURE you...
seeing u so happy wid ur bf... i look back in the past... we were seldom happy...
mostly is u cheering me up... i dint do anything... i then notice i was such a fking failure...
u were ther for me... in any ways... wu shu competition... sch work... and where was i to be wid u...
NOWHERE!...
i took little responsibility... i ignore ur feelings... i feel tt i was always rite...
blaming u for mostly everything... thinking i was rite all along...
i dint spend alot of time anging out wid u... unlike nw u and shawn... happy gg out...
when we go out... we hav nth 2 do... i notice how fk up a bf i am to u... i dun deserve ur love...
u show support... i dint... u show love... i did nt...
i was such a fker... i hate wad i hav don to u in the past....
in the past... i seldom spent time wid u... dint even dare to pick u up from ur hse...
always spent more time in arcade and wl instead of being wid u...
was not there when u hav family problem... or jux having some minor problem...
we went out for so little time... i oni recall some... plaza singapore...
then when i notice... i was worst then a fker... i dun even deserve to be a human...
all i care about was arcade... games... friends... and ignore the MOST IMPORTANT THING...
which was you...
i blame myself for breaking up wid u... i do not even care about u... i was not there for you... i dint serve u well as a bf...
and u seldom see me cry... well i am as im writting this... cus nw i kw how bad i was from ur point of view...
A FKING PATATIC HUMAN!
i do not blame u for thinking of me tt way...
i should not have quarrel with you about yourr family prob...
i should not have ignore your feelings...
i should not have spent so much money and time on arcade and friends...
i should not have throw my anger at you...
i should not have been addicted to games...
i should not have do those thing that i was not allowed to...
i should not have pushed my luck...
i should not have blame you for most of the problem that i did not kw was cause by me...
i notice i have alot of mistake... and i have learn my lesson... a veri hard lesson...
if u dint not break up wid me... i may even make u worst... but yet... i missed being love...
i should have notice this earlier... but i was dumb... dint take time to notice...
exam was coming... and yet i was still gaming... ignore sch works...
and the end result.... was a harsh thing...
GPA = 3.214
tt is veri low... and i broke up wid u... this 2 are the worst thing to happen this year...
so nw... i decided to change myself... to a better me... this lesson teach me something important...
TO WORK HARD AND TREASURE THOSE WITH YOU!
i must thank you... for being wid me for so long.... knowing i am such a lousy lover...
and yet u stand up for me... been there for me... trying to change me...
Thank You...
there are alot of thing i hav inside me tt need to be said... but then...
words cannot descript them...
and im happy for you... found a good looking guy... and a lovely character...
i wish u all the best in your relationship... may u all be happy 4ever...
if oni i was still ur bf... my last thing to do be4 we break...
is a kiss and say how deeply sorry i am to you...
for letting you down...
i oni hope for your forgiveness...
for being such a jerk...
writting this cried my heart out... i deserved it...
i must work hard to change myself into a better person...
so the past will not repeat itself...
Thank you for forgiving me...
i will treasure those words...
i wish i could find anothe companion... i miss being loved...
AND I SWEAR!!! USING MY LIFE!!!
THAT I WILL NOT!!!
REPEAT MY MISTAKE!!!
Goodbye... Sweet Love Of My Life...
Losing You... Cuts As Deep As A Knife...
I Know I Did you Wrong...
And Thing Weren't Right...
But I Love You Girl...
More Then Life.....
Goodbye... Sweet Love Of My Life...
I Hope He Love You Like I Do...
And Everything Turns Out Right...
I Know I'll Stay... With My Memories Of You...
Goodbye... Sweet Love...
Goodbye And Goodnight...
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Inside a hospital ward, a man was sitting beside a bed, holding a cold hand to his face. He had not left the girl's side since the end of the
operation. They rushed her in immediately, but alas, it was too late, they could not save her. Her last words repeated in an endless loop in his
head, the memory of her voice comforted him slightly in this trying time.
"I love you, Iain, I always will. Go on without me, but please never forget me."
Throughout this he had to hold his tears back, he had promised her that he would always be strong for her, in every situation, that he would be the one who was dependable and brave. But after
whispering those words to him, she went, before he could tell her that he, too, loved her, with every fibre of his being, and that it was impossible for him to ever forget
her. Its not possible for him to forget his soulmate, it seemed impossible for him to continue on without her.
He couldn't think of anything but her, all her hopes, her wants. All that he had promised her but failed to do. How all she ever wanted was to be a model, beautiful, adored, to see herself in the situation,
it was her dream. But it was something he could not give to her, not even on her death bed.
As he looked at her once beautiful face, now full of scars, tears started to roll down his cheeks. It was an attack, one that mutilated her face and body. He had wanted to spend his life with her, but now,
even that is not possible. He could not save her, he felt so helpless, so alone.
He had to leave now, the undertaker had to take her body back to his studio to prepare her for the funeral.
As Iain walked out of the hospital ward door, he felt incomplete, a large part of him was now missing, and it hurt so much. As he thought about the girl, he just knew that he couldn't leave without a part of
her, so he went back into the room and asked the undertaker if he could have a lock of her hair. The burly man took a pair of scissors out of his pocket and snipped off a thick lock of her hair and passed it
to Iain.
"Treasure your memories", the undertaker told him as he left.
The funeral was held two days later, at the cemetary, an area overlooking the sea. Her family sobbed at one side, her friends cried in another. It was a beautiful service, with people going up to the rostrum
to make their speeches about her life, how she made a difference to them, no matter how small or how big a difference, she had indeed left a legacy behind. Iain made his speech as well, depressed as he
was. He wondered to himself, was she happy? Seeing all these people who love and cared for her, attend her funeral, mourning her? Probably not, she had always wanted to make people happy, seeing
such a big group of people crying over her, it would have broke her heart, he tried to push this thought out of his mind.
When it was time for the loved ones to see the girl for the last time, Iain held a package in his hands, bringing it up to the casket where she lay, so still, so dead. The undertaker could not do very much about
her cuts, they were too large, too deep, but despite the lacerations on her face, she was beautiful to him, this girl whom he loved so much. He opened the package, inside was a beautiful doll made of resin,
slightly flexible, incredibly beautiful.
He held the doll and talked to the corpse,
"I made her for you, my love, in your perfect image. It was my project for the past year, I was to give it to you on your birthday... But now i will never have the chance. The lock of your hair which I took from
the undertaker, I used it to make the hair of this doll. Now I will always have a part of you with me, forever. I love you, and I will never forget you. We will meet again, I assure you of this,
you're my soulmate, I know I will definitely see you again, wait for me, my love. I'm so sorry." He was crying as he said this, tears which fell on the face of his dead partner.
As he walked out of the cemetary, after the service, he held the doll firmly in his hands, unknowing that on the face of the doll, tears also rolled down it's flawless, plastic face.
Written by Jeannel Mah Yu Ting
thx for clearing it up... im thinking too much...
sori for the trouble i cause u this few day... i hope u will 4giv me...
for nw i jux gg try to be better and move on... but i need a goal... which i dun hav...
but nw i kw wad i can use as my goal... those last promise i made to u...
tt will be my goal to reach... and i seriously need to stop living in the past...
me emoing about the past aft i saw ur pic... it proves to me tt im still living in the past...
unable to leave behind it...
and i was talk to by alot of ppl... by coaches... by friends... by u...
guess when i say im moving on... i aint...
and nw i must make it come true... cus i causing too much trouble...
for u... for my friends...
nw i jux wanna say...
thank you for all you hav done...
and may we be friends 4ever....
:)
oh btw... im reading ur story rite nw.... for once i must say... i hav change....
im interested in ur story... o.0!
im keeping this story here... as i lik this alot... but credits to u of cus...
nw i seldom play games too... which is a accomplishment...
so plz as a friend... push me along... belive in me... so i can be better...
and will slowly become a better person...
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Date : Feb 24 10
since im so free nw slacking in clubroom... i might as well write something new here...
gd thing nt alot ppl kw this place...
My exams starts 2dae... 24th feb... and when i 1st though of exam... i though back of my gpa...
3.214... which was veri low compare to my previous ite result and my classmates...
then it jux pop up in my mind... those last promise i made... one of which was to study hard... i see my result i also depress... cus i ownself dint work and study hard for my exams...
so as i said alot of time... is time i keep those promises... aft CNY was over... i went to sch library everyday to grp study wid my friend randy and ah deep... since thurs till 2dae... sat sun sch library nt open so study at home...
i reli dedicated to furfilling those last promise... but then wad jer said last fri did had a impact on how i was thinking... the promise i swear to make it come true... it was meant for u... nt meant for myself...
and true... back then my thinking was to change to a better person and nt repeat the past mistake i hav done... and ya it was meant for u back then... and for my friendz... nt for myself..
but nw tt i hav gotten over it... those promises r also for meself... for me to improve... when i think about it... yes during last yr i did alot of stupid thing... even aft we broke up...
it proves tt i hav no improve a single bit... still the same... all words no actions... so nw im gonna prove to all my friendz... no longer words... is time i took actions...
1st : study hard for exams (as mentioned above)
2nd : find a work during holiday earn some cash
3rd : stop arcade or minimize playing it so offen
4th : stop playing games and getting addicted to them
once exams is over... it about time i find a work... and earn some $$... also stop playing arcade so much... save all the money can buy wad u introduced to me...
THE LILIUM PROJECT!
im so gonna buy 1 of tt... gonna save till ard 200+ then ask dad buy for me... maybe buy 2 at 1 shot... no reason actually... jux find it nice wanna get 2... store memories inside them... gonna be so cool!!!
also if u notice... i nw seldom play any game... or can say on9 games.... fb still offen... but nw i dun hav the so call mood to play game... find it bored to play alone...
if i gt some1 to play wid i dun mind... but nw i even seldom touch my psp... tt how much i'v changed... haha...
oh well... nw to wish me luck for my 2nd exam this friday... hope i dun disapoint my friendz... and myself... 2mr study grp library till it close!
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Date : Apr 15 10
If u read my post... the 1 i jux posted... the past... i hav no1 to blame but myself infact..
i had a dream... plz 4giv me if i make any1 irritated or angry or wad... but this the oni place i can say my heart out...
it says that 90% of ppl will 4get their dream in 5 min aft their awaken... but y do i still rmb mine...
the dream was me... inside ur hse... aft we broke up... i was sitting on the sofa... wid ur family surrounding me...
ur crying inside the room on ur bed... ur parents room tt is...
i was trying to chase u back... trying to clear my mistakes...
but ur parents refuse to... they dint allow me to get near u...
ur family was scolding me all the way...
y dint u protect her... y aint u there for her... y dint u support her...
so many scolding... i was jux sitting there crying... trying my best to get u back...
it lasted so long... and finally i woke up...
i hav tears coming out of both my eyes...
my bed was in total mess...
my head was sweating...
it was such a nitemare to me...
but the fact is... is true...
wad the dream told me...
i dint hav responsibility...
i dint treasure u...
and the outcome hurts...
everyone of us has change...
for the better or for the worst...
for me...
i do not kw...
all i wish nw...
is to return to the past...
where we all are still happy..
jux lik in those pic...
but i kw...
is beyond impossible...
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Date : Apr 21 10
What I'm doing now, is detaching myself from the experience...
You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent.
Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience
penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you
fully. That's how you are able to leave it.
Take any emotion -- Love for a woman, or Grief for a Loved one, or what I'm going through, Fear and Pain from my past. If you hold back on the emotions
-- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them -- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the Pain, You're afraid of the Grief.
You're afraid of the Vulnerability that loving entails.
BUT
by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.
You know what Pain is. You know what Love is. You know what Grief is. And only then you say, "All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognize that emotion.
Now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment."
When you learn how to Die, you learn how to Live.
Morrie's approach was exectly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside,
if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."
Same for loneliness: You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely -- but eventaully be able to say, "All right, that was my moment of loneliness.
I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."
Detach.
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Date : May 11 10
currently in lecture hall for Operating System Management... but im lazy to listen to the boring lect...
20 more days till it comes... i'v been thinking of how to spend it... but hav yet to come to a conclusion..
*time for HeuCampus Assignment*
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Date : July 5 11
It has been a year since i last touch this area... to be honest... im reading all my blog spot and i still feel hurt...
is now 2011... can say this year was not a good year for me... started off well but it soon went downhill quite deep...
near march.. thr was a incident involving the gurl i lik.. she ran away from home due to issue and well... she did go back aft ard 3hr+ of MIA..
but she decided to chill for a few week... MIA and not to be contacted... we try our best to talk her out but still failed... and ya... for ard 1month+ she MIA...
then soon she came back... but thing was nv quite the same ever since then... is jux... feels different...
and recently... she had a issue wid her so call ah sis... they break contact and dint contact anymore... i tried my best to pull both side tgt and solve this issue but i gt scolded..
for nt understanding what the whole issue was about... and i ended up telling her what was on my mind and wad was bothering me...
that she was partly the reason...
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Date : July 25 11
last Monday... i ask her wad am i worth... and through a long conversation... i finally kw wad im worth... jux a friend... no longer the close friend i am...
i love you deeply... i did ever since last yr... but on my 1st try i failed... even aft tt... ur still on my mind... even when u had a bf...
i jux cant stop thinking bout u... i ask myself y... i ownself do nt kw the ans...
wad did i do wrong in the process tt made this outcome... why did it has to be lik this?
wad can be done to make everything... including u and lifang... back to normal...
gg back to platform for NDP... been bothering me for quite some time now... and aft this incident... my mind been thinking the wrong stuff daily... and it gets worst when i go back platform...
my mind cant stop thinking of the decision i made when im here at the platform... wad i could hav chosen instead of this...
and worst of all... my mind kept having flash back images of u and me tgt...
i force myself to be cheerful.. to talk or do something to keep my mind off this...
but i guess it dint do much... my body and mind is jux feeling down at this point...
nw i think... did i make another wrong decision here... did i jux ended another story...
becus my life feels that way...
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a conversation i had with li jwee that i find true...
well...unless u find she is worth waiting...
else i would say... time to fly kite...
i also asked myself...
if my that her is worth waiting...
when she is down... she look for me
when lovey dovey... where am i ?
i came to a conclusion...
li jwee
wake up
and fly kite
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Date : July 29 11
at 2.30pm... on the 28th of July... i had a chat wid her... and i guess it will be the final 1 too... i told her about all the issues..
the bf msg to lifang saying about stella... stella expectation of ppl to kw their own mistakes... i too expect her to kw her mistake...
but she also dunno... so i kinda... u can say... "Scolded" her... for the an entire 30min... i say out my mind bout wad i think of her nw...
she cried... as expected... i was shaking all e way... if u think i enjoy scolding her... i felt worst... but i wan to end it...
Pei ling was thr to listen to the entire conversation... wad she think... i dun care...
to sum it all up... i will put it simple...
The Stella i used to know... Ceased To Exist...
guess i did end another story...
July 28 2011 / 3.00PM
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To self, Create a Note To Self Page to store info when needed
To Show Mom, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpeDQuttrgU
http://qii-veri-own-cosy-corner.blogspot.sg