Soft Hearted Kid

euu typedd*: blog

(Wednesday, February 10, 2010-)
+11:32:00 PM*

# wad a day... SHOICK AR!!!-

damn 2dae was fun... im a slpy pig... lol... i slept ytd at 2am... woke up at 2pm... damn im good... guess i need lots of rest cus im sick... haha! was looking forward to 2dae training at nyp... wonder if we r gg hardcore training... haha... mentally prepared... went out to eat lunch wid my parents at 3pm+ at tpy lor 1... the fishball noodle is nice! eat damn fast... maybe cus im hungry? then aft tt they send me to braddel mrt and off to nyp i go... it was oni 4 the time i reach the mrt... by the time i reach nyp is was oni 4.30... lol... go clubroom to find it locked... then chris msg me he at koufu... went to find him... and found a group of ppl eating... yi tian... auntie... hao jun... chris... and darren came along too... well me and darren dint eat... we aredi eaten... we jux sat there talking... LOL... finish and off to clubroom... slack inside abit... talk talk blablabla... had fun... lol... then wad informed tt 2dae practice will be at netball court... wonder where tt is... once we heard the news... me and chris went off the clubroom... getting bored... and off to find where netball court is... we saw 2 tennis court... 1 large field... 1 soccer court... 1 adventure area... 1 street soccer... and no netball court... WTF! then finally aft walking ard for quite some time... found hao jun, alvin and darren sitting at 1 of the tennis court... we walk in and found out tt 1 of the 2 tennis court was a netball court when the sign says it a tennis court... cock... change and slack abit be4 class start... and soon... it did... 2dae was quite slack... dint hav the hardcore training... lol... i wanted it... dun hav... instead we get to do our own warm-ups... then get to play wid paddings... side tan tui... damn it was fun and hard... using hip and leg is nt easy... still undertraining... then i help guang yao for demo... i hold padding he kick... damn his kick are power! 1st kick and my hand flew back to my face... almost hitting my face... lucky i stop in time... dint kw he kick so hard... nw i kw i hold stronger and he kick alot of times... my whole body shake when he impacted on the padding... tt is how strong... then come the back kick... hou liao tui... wa tt is damn hard... body must bend... turn to look left side... and body and leg must be same line... manage to do 1 time correct aft so many tries... and still hav to add in a hook... tt was hard... but i got used to it fast... and soon i manage to do it... but i dint try on padding... ^.^ cus i scare miss... then i saw shu yan doing free hand cutwheel... i wanted to... but then i do hand stand... lol... then guang yao saw us he change the training into train hand stand.... wow! ask ever1 try handstand against the fence... haha... then a few of us who can do aredi stay ard the middle... he teach us some other complicated handstand movement... and i manage to learn 1 of them... ^.^ gg train more on my upper body muscle... but i cant hold my handstand... guang yao hold damn long! lol... then i try using oni my hand from a squarting position but my leg aint touching the floor... oni my hands are... push myself up to a handstand... and i DID IT!!! YES!!! finally... but then cant hold it... drop once my leg was straight on top... then i try another 1... learn from guang yao... sitting and then push up using hands... and turn to handstand... tt i cant yet... hard... must train more... and suddenly we do some break dance move... lol.... cool... and soon i went to train on my handstand... went to do some handstand push-ups... damn i oni manage to do 5... and my head will giddy... but rest awhile do again... lol... dunno do how many times... but i kw i do alot... keep doing 5 rest awhile then do again... haha... then i try to learn how to hold my handstand... is reli hard... i cant find the mid point as wad guang yao told us... nw i need to learn how to find tt mid point so i can balance... aft awhile guang yao change our training into some simple body build-up exercise... starting from leg... train how to hold our leg in mid air... to be more specific... tan tuai hold it... then change to than tuai and hold it... damn i hold ard 20+ sec start cramp... LOL!! tt how lousy i am... and gt some added into it... side than tuai... and some other... lol... do some oni start feeling veri tired... i was pushing myself to the limit during the training... and finally it started to hav effect... feeling tired and abit giddy... do abit then ta han till end of class... lol... and reli soon it was end of class... wow time pass damn fast... went to mac and eat... even though i aint suppose to eat any oily and cold stuff... but im hungry... so wad the heck... eat fish set upsize wid tiwster fries and a ice cream cone... lol... eat finish and go back home... bath and use com... and watch MICHAEL JACKSON THIS IS IT DVD! my dad buy de... damn... gd he did... cus when he played it... our sound system show its true color... then sound was damn nice... and man i cant take my eyes off..... michael jackson fever again... but half way stop lol... dad wanna slp so we all stop... can watch anytime so nvm... and here i am... blogging... LOL!!! gg shopping wid chris at bugis 2mr at 12pm... need find bag and shoe... gonna make sure my fashion sense gg change... and make sure im gonna change... is a promise i intend to furfill... even if it cost me my life...

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(Monday, February 01, 2010-)
+11:39:00 AM*

# im touch... im happy... and yet sad...-

been so long since i last posted at me blog... i belive no1 come to see this blog also as i dun mention it much... guess is time to then...

Friday
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friday was a so so day... due to something tt happen the nite be4 i fainted on my bed widout finishing my report for my team... laptop whole day on... luckly my hp alarm was on if nt i wun wake up lo... haha... then to class i go... gt a flash test for DMD lesson... i reach at 9.30... finish it in ard 1hr... find it easy thx to some tricks li jwee taught me... and plus my experience in ite... then i went down to clubroom and get rdy for performance... but when i reach there... i then notice ppl sitting outside... and saw yi tian... he ask me i gt receive his msg ma? i dint check my hp as was in bag... then he said tt 2dae performance kana cancle... WTF LA! equipment prob... cock excuse... alot of year 1 turn up le... and suddenly cancle... nb.... yi tian msg all the ppl in a hurry to inform them tt is cancle.. then we slack in clubroom abit... wan go eat cus haven eat yet... ask any1 wanna go eat? yi tian, nai yu, me... then nai yu said hao jun coming... i lik... WOW!!! I ASK HIM SING MY TWO BALLZ SONG FOR U THEN! lol.... torturing her is fun... haha.... then ask her to call hao jun she say lazy... jux from outside come back into clubroom dun wan go out call... she lazy turtle... then yi tian call... but dun hav his no... get from nai yu then call... and guess wad... hao jun dint pick up... lol! few min lata hao jun turn up at clubroom... we ask him y nv pick up? he said he come down eat oni nv bring hp along... we lik.... -.-" and off we go to north canteen to eat...

eating tgt was fun... alot of joke came flying off hao jun mouth... we laugh our ass off... pretty girls... all those joke came non-stop... we could nt eat our lunch properly la... but then slowly we did... wad a fun time... and back to clubroom... slack awhile and joke ard... then wei chong keep wanting poke wei mun... poke and twist his na... pinch ur nana... pinch ur nana... we all was LOAO la... son it was near 1pm and i hav to attend CMATHS class... must nt fail CMATHS...

well CMATHS class was kinda interesting... but then my mind was partly on and partly off... mind was troubled by wad happen on thurs nite... by wad she said... i feel weak... i told her i wanna help her... but instead make her worst... i feel dissapointed in myself... haiz.... she said she dun deserve our trust... y... i jux dun understand y u will say those... and those thing tt happen aint ur fault also... is partly ours... so dun balme everything on urself... no matter wad... we r still friends... i still trust u... and i'll always lend a hand if needed... ha.... keep thinking did i do the rite thing... am i being helpful... and soon be4 i kw it... times up... TIME FOR DATABASE!!!

in DATABASE lesson... teacher is told us about wad is the focus point for our common test this coming wed... which is lik 2 days from nw... then as usual... listen closely to wad teacher wad saying and copying into my lappy... then time past real fast... 4.15 and we r DONE! tt was early... and i rush down to meet jer who was aredi at pek kio... i took mrt down to novena... and was reminded of the past... reminded again of the old time we had... waiting at the busstop... waiting for jean to come... and tgt wait for bus 131 to come... i rmd i did mention be4... when we took a diff walking path from pek kio to novena mrt... we took the overhead bridge tt was beside the training place... and i also rmb i said be4 to our group... my grandfather (father's father) death plate is inside tt temple... and i wish i could go and pray to him... is been so long since i last pray to him... and i do dearly miss him... those memory was such gd memories... and then i look at my watch... it oni 4.40... so i decided... since i kw the temple close ard 5plus... i shall take the chance and go and visit my grandfather... from the busstop i walk by the alt way... and to the temple... i was scare i dint hav enff time.. cus i kw is about time they close... so i hurried... saw the temple... and i focus on the gate... IT WAS OPEN!!! i was so glad it was... crossed the road and called my mom... ask her how to properly pray to the god be4 visiting grandfather cus i kw we normally hav to pray to some other god be4 we can visit grandfather... and she told me the detail... how many joystick needed... which to pray to... ok i kw liao and i went in.... follow the instruction... and yep... i finally saw my grandfather plate in the stands... damn...

my emotion jux came bursting out... how touch i am tt i finally aft so long... i visited my grandfather... alone... clap my hand tgt and speak to him through my heart... told him everthing tt has been happening ard me... my family life... my life... how much i miss him... and my prob... told him be4 last time i had a gf... and becus of my stupidness, self minded me... i broke up wid her... and aft kwing she was wid another boyfriend and alot more happy... i regretted it... i regretted breaking up wid her... inside my heart was uneven... i cant help myself as tears came out of my eye... how hurt i am for doing such a stupid thing... i should nt hav break up wid her... becus of NDP / Studies / Wu Shu... all the stress overwhelm me... and i could nt take it at tt moment... i made a stupid decision to break up wid her.. and is on National Day somemore... if oni i could hav hold it back more... i should nt hav write those thing in my secret link... i should nt hav done this... should nt hav done tt... tears jux came dropping lik water... but the other part of me is happy... if she was to stay wid me... she wun be as happy as she is nw wid her bf... her bf is so much better then who i am... i envy him... im useless... he can support her so well... and wad am i? nth... i dint even spend alot of time wid her... ignore her feelings... and alot more i should nt say... my heart will nv rest well... cus i broke up wid u for no reason... i had a choice... and i chose to giv up on u... the thing i can do nw is to change... to be a better person... so i wun repeat the mistake i did onto u... im deeply sori... no words can express my pain... my sorrow... my sadness... i hope we can be close friend... and still hang out lik last time...

soon aft saying all i gt 2 say... i notice i spend 15 min standing there talking to my grandfather... wow tt is long... i dint even move... then i bid goodbye to my grandfather and promise him i'll visit him soon... wipe my tears off and went to pek kio where jer is waiting for me...

walk out of temple wid a smile on my face... seldom i smile when im alone... i find it hard to smile when im alone... and over the overhead bridge and down to pek kio basketball court... jer was so easy to spot as his the oni 1 sitting on the rock bench... sat beside him and see him drawing... we waited for wl and chris to come... it was ard 5.15 or 5.20+ when i reach there... waited for ard 20 min as we kw how long it takes to come here... then suddenly the sky turn real dark... reli dark... lik about heavy rain... then soon it reli started to drizzle... but awhile it stop... so we sat back down... oni to kw tt the rain came back and started to become more heavy... then we moved into the hawker center and sit ard our regular store... order ice long eye and ice kachang while waiting... soon they came and yep we orderd our fish soup wid rice... eat eat talk talk... haha... enjoyed it... then we moved back to basketball court aft eating finish...

sitted down on the floor as usual... i open lappy to listen to music... listen to 07-ghost Ragg Kingdom... such smoothing song... and i was also damn tired then... so i decided to take a nap... lol... and i reli fell aslp... 1st time at there i went totally black... guess i was too tired... then a basket ball flew pass my body... busket... almost hit my laptop... but dint... then i kana shock awake... then cant slp le... so close eye... and soon jer woke me up... 5 min left... wid a sobber face i went toilet to change... then we start class...

class went smooth... but i could reli focus much... sudden flash back of memories... but manage to concentrate on class... jer went berserk la... abit too harsh... become devil training... kids all scare of him... lol... my group abit cheerful... dun wan scare them so i treat them nice but yet veri strict... they gg grading soon... hopefully ard march.... must pump them to get rdy... and class end smoothly...

we went to hawker center to eat again cus ch haven eat yet... so we pei... and also... it so long since we eat fried rice... and we also order in e end... lol... talk talk bla bla bla... and off to mrt we go... walk to farrer park mrt... took to serangoon and bid goodbye to ch... and continue to circle line and to bishan... then pei jer wait for jurong train to come and off me and wl walking home as usual...

tt about it for friday... nw sat...

Saturday

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Woke up wid a clear mind.... meet wl at below busstop to go bendemeer sch help out coach... reach sch ard 8... i was still veri tired as i dint get enff slp... dint slp well... kepp wanting to slp in sch when waiting for 8.30am to come... and soon it did come... and class started... normal class as usual... saw alot of old student... they sure miss me... lol... talk alot wid them... but also veri strict... yet funny... all wid smiles on their face... made my mood so happy... then soon it end and off to bishan wid coach and wl... wl suppose to meet his friend to pass an item but in e end cancled... so we decided to go j8 eat... took bus 13... and soon bishan j8... then coach and us went diff route... we went to eat he go do his job... eat below basement... then finish went up to arcade... so long since i played wid him aft he say he saving money.... enjoyed the time playing... then ard 1 or 2 hr lata i went home to rest... wl stay in arcade till ard 2.30 then go down to help out coach at Marine Parade... i gg home cus lata nite gg visit grandma (father's mother)... then went home saw my dad trying to redecorate hse... help out along... damn i miss DNT... so fun... play wid glue... cut this, file tt wood... haha... and i haven bath yet... omg... aft i help finish then bath... and happy wid the result... hse look nicer... then i use com and waited till 6 plus and we went out for dinner... eat below wl hse the kopitiam... and off to grandma hse...

wow... is been so long since i last visited my grandma... ard 1 month... and damn i miss them... talk alot wid the family... and time pass fast... soon i notice it was time to go... and i was still chatting happly... sad... and we bid farewell to them ard 8.45... we then went shopping for my formal shoe... and also find a new bag... but i oni found the shoe... bag nt nice... so sad... then went home to use com and rest... slp early cus im too bloody tired...

tt about it for sat... nw sun...

Sunday

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woke up ard 12... wl wanted to go out... lik old times... so me chris wl and jer decided to go out... thinking of wad to do.... we came to watching 14Blade movie... but jer in e end could nt come... he dint hav enff $$ and busy.... so in e end was me chris and wl... went out to eat lunch wid sis 1st... then follow her take circle line till serangoon then we split... i go down she go up... to plaza sing i go... reach ard 3.30pm... chris was eating at lvl 2... so went to find him... eating ramen... lol... jux sit and chat till wl comes and into the movie we go... AND MAN THE MOVIE WAS NICE! A MUST GO WATCH! ( if ur a wu shu fan and understand chinese cus the eng sub sux ) aft it finish... we went window shopping... see models... then in e end go arcade play bishi bashi... 3 of us play damn crazy la... and funny... then aft tt we played 2 round of lan of jubeat... man it was fun... and chris broke his record on evans... surpass me and wl... wowzer... aft playing tt we slack ard inside looking ppl play tekken... played a few round be4 we left... and eat dinner jux below 1 lvl.. food court in PS has one of my fav stall... the riverside indonesian restaurant... and man i'll nv get bored of it... eat liao then off to home... was ard 8 or 9 plus le... then suddenly i though of gg zone x play dj max... LOL! and yep we did... me and chris played lik crazy... but wl dint wan to cus he dun lik and fins it hard to play... well i hav to agree wid him on somepart of the machine as it tend to be off beat sometimes... but we still play lik 3-4 times... and meet a new friend there... dint manage to kw his name... but kw he started playing dj max 5 weeks ago and was better at us... when i played he ask if i could use his dj max card... i of cus say yes... and yep... as i expected... unlock a few song... WOW! PLAY LIK CRAZY!... but oni 1 match and off we go...

reach home ard 10 plus near 11... then 1st thing was facebook... and im shock by wad i saw on my browser... a new her... a new jeannel... i rmb reading her blog about her christmas... her present? a photoshoot paid by her bf and her mom... she say it does nt look lik her... and well aft looking at the picz... i hav to say yes... is a more matured her... immidiately my heart ach... the part tt dun wan you to leave... i look through all the pic... and inside my mind... the you i used to kw... has grown up... is lik a diamond being born from rock... i luv the pic of u... i look through them alot of times... and then tears came... guess im too soft hearted... the u inside thouse pic was so pretty... and grown up... u used to hav short hair... nw u hav long hair... the face of urs... is so cute yet pretty... is priceless... i think back into the past... did i make u happy till this extend be4... i cant rmb any... cus i dun think i did... i browse through the old photo of us... looking back at those photo taken at novena square... when ur sec 3... the tuition center at top lvl... i will wait 4 u to come out and we will go to the staircase to hug hug... nw i miss those time cus i notice aft awhile we stoped... i dun hav any more photo of us at tt place... and since then i took veri little picz wid u... i rmb the time we were at TPY library... we sat at a cornor reading book... u sat beside me... cuddling on me... and tt when i rmb we took photo... and i found them... we were so young then... and above those was another photo of us at ur blk staircase when u ask me to take photo wid u using ur hp... and i still love that pic till nw... is one of the best pic we both ever taken... i rmb putting it as my wallpaper in my hp for a long time... how i miss hanging out wid u nw... the came june... another pic of u in my hse... when lu yi was in my hse... lu yi took photo of us... on the coach... there was a pic u took of us on the coach... and that was also 1 of the nice pic u took... and aft tt there was no more picz of us... im such an idiot... i notice how bad i was since so long ago... nw i live in regret wishing i dint do those harmful things to u... the new u is look so grow up from the picz i hav... im happy for u... u hav a veri caring bf who can support u... nt lik me... i cant... and having a happy relationship wid him... nt lik us... quarrling over the smallest matter... wish u all the best in maintaing this relationship... i wish u all the best and may u be wid him 4ever...

wipe off my tears and cool down awhile... then i call my parents inside to see ur picz... haha and their shcok too... can see the expression on their face... dad told me the most patatic sentance... oi teng... chase her back la... i lik go and die la... she nw has a better bf le... is so much better then me... then dad keep quiet... haha... mom then scolded dad... dint wanna hear... then soon sis came back... ask her see... she also say u look more matured and lik a chio bu nw... haha... a diamond polished... commented on ur fb... and well soon aft tt i went to do my homework... presentation on mon which is the next day... redo from scratch... oh well... and finally went to slp at ard 1.30...

Jean... i hope tt we still can be close friends... and i wish someday to ask u out for a normal outing... jux the 2 of us... but i do not hav the guts to say it... i hope ur nt avoiding me... cus i still wanna be close friend wid u... no longer gfbf... but jux close normal friends... isit possible?...

thats it for this 3 days.... more post to come.... wonder if any1 bother to come my blog to read...

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euu typedd*: **********

Secrets...

my life... hate it... no1 truely kw how i feel... i deeply depress i am...
im always smiling... of cus from the outside u think im fine... but im nt...
stress over family financial... stress over wu shu decision...
stress over relation ship... stress over my health and condition...
should i work for $$.. or should i help out raymond coach...
should i go nyp for training... cus tt was my wish and i reli wish it could be...
but if i go... i cant help out raymond... and i dun wanna leave those kids i kw for so long...
raymond seldom ask me train... offen lead the warmup and teach the kids...
but i wish to train... i wanna compete in competition... join nyp wu shu club... get to kw new friends...
wanna get close to shi fu they all... jux lik all the senior in nyp wu shu... (if u notice)
IS RELI FUSTRATING!!! I CANT MAKE UP MY MIND!!! I CANT MAKE THIS DECISION MYSELF!!!
I NEED HELP!!! I WANNA TRAIN AND IMPROVE MYSELF!!! I WANNA BE A COACH NEXT TIME!!!
IM IN SERIOUS NEED OF HELP!!! WAD SHOULD I DO!!! wad should i do....

im lost... alone... gf/bf relationship also gt prob... due to long time ago scar... wan to get it away but i cant...
i reli wish to be wid her... but her family... her life... i cant take it... i cant stand it... i cant live wid it...
i wan to break... it did pass through my mind... but then i'll hurt her alot... i kw she truely love me...
thats wad i think...
i hope im right...
truely hope so...

so many problem in my life... i need to work out... money is one important point...
i need control my flow of money... always taking money from parents...
oni work once in my life... and earn less then 200 plus...
im in need of money... every1 is...

my body... hate it... is weird... people cant fully understand the damage it done to my life...
i say it out yes... i did... but then... do u kw how it feels... how painful it may be...
living a life widout proper skin... on both hands and legs...
to add to the damage... nw my backbone... doc say nt major so no need operation...
but for me it is... IT IS A MAJOR IMPACT!!!
alot of wu shu move cant do properly... alot of thing i cant do for long...
but then i can skip army cus of all the prob... isit a gd thing or a bad thing...
im lost... alone... dead...

friends... hard to find trusted friends now adays... cannnot fully depend on them...
the oni trusted friends i have... wu shu i hav 3... outside i have lees then 15
the rest... i reli dunno how to trust them fully...
yes i trust them... but my fully trust them is meaning they can keep a secret...
or stay the same... how they r... their personality... hope they dun change...
hope nth to be changed...
example of my friend... used to love tt guy alot... reli trusted him...
oni to kw that aft sec sch... he change... alot...
into a person who we do nt kw anymore... does nt even represent the slightless of his past...
and ignored us... some friend we call it... FUCK YOU BIG TIME!
we all trusted u for so long... and out of nowhere... u change into some other person...
and totally ignor everything we used to do... WTF WAS THAT LA!
if u were to change... at lease change into something or some1 we still kw...
nt into something totallty new and we dun understand... lik we r some pets or toys...
play finish can jux throw away... ignore us... like we r nt even there...
that y... i rather stay the same... a childish kid... nv to change...
so people can reli trust me... and that friends forever will reli last...
i hav to many of such case... i dun wish to say no more... nyp wushu there is a recent one... nt gg say who...
is damn obvious...

im writing it all here to let it all out... this is nt suppose to be told out...
but then i kw no1 will visit my blog... no1 will understand me question from this blog...
and y i name this link as Soft Hearted Kid...
cus of all the things i jux said... u can tell im soft hearted... veri...
and jux shed a tear... 1st time blogging till tear came out..
finally i let it out... at lease to a place where no1 will kw... no1 will come...

u normally see me as a happy and friendly person... nw u kw who i reli am... how i reli feel...

i oni hope to be noticed... nt left out.. nt out of group... nt out of friends...

if some1 reli is reading this... i hope u understand how i fell... y my msn will nv change...
y my blog write i hate to change... nv to change...
everything inside this blog is real... nth is fake... this is my 1 and oni diary...
the true Diary Of William Goh Rui Teng...

the emo boy boy... or can say... the alone...
(Broke up wid her on NDP)

(is over...)

Date : OCT 25 09

To : Jeannel

this is something i dint expected to happen.. aft breaking up wid u... i reli though we both dint fit each other...
thinking those words on top... was something i should nt hav said... i let the stress of sch, wu shu, ndp, and family got to me...
the day when i wrote those words... i mean everysingle word... it was reli how i felt.. at that time...
but ytd... i saw some1 tt look lik u... thinking it is u... and the tall guy... sure look lik the bf of urs... shawn...
i look carefully... and it was truely u... u look damn beautiful... wid the handsome bf... cuddling and walking out mrt gate...
then i decided to say hi to u... i hav no idea y i did it... but i jux wanna...
u reply back... wid a smile... tt i always see on u...
then we went our ways...
and tt when it happen... i was reminded of the past i had wid u... the times...
and i nw kw y u hate me so much... i understand y...
as a bf... i dint do my job... that is to TREASURE you...
seeing u so happy wid ur bf... i look back in the past... we were seldom happy...
mostly is u cheering me up... i dint do anything... i then notice i was such a fking failure...
u were ther for me... in any ways... wu shu competition... sch work... and where was i to be wid u...

NOWHERE!...

i took little responsibility... i ignore ur feelings... i feel tt i was always rite...
blaming u for mostly everything... thinking i was rite all along...
i dint spend alot of time anging out wid u... unlike nw u and shawn... happy gg out...
when we go out... we hav nth 2 do... i notice how fk up a bf i am to u... i dun deserve ur love...
u show support... i dint... u show love... i did nt...
i was such a fker... i hate wad i hav don to u in the past....
in the past... i seldom spent time wid u... dint even dare to pick u up from ur hse...
always spent more time in arcade and wl instead of being wid u...
was not there when u hav family problem... or jux having some minor problem...
we went out for so little time... i oni recall some... plaza singapore...
then when i notice... i was worst then a fker... i dun even deserve to be a human...
all i care about was arcade... games... friends... and ignore the MOST IMPORTANT THING...

which was you...

i blame myself for breaking up wid u... i do not even care about u... i was not there for you... i dint serve u well as a bf...

and u seldom see me cry... well i am as im writting this... cus nw i kw how bad i was from ur point of view...

A FKING PATATIC HUMAN! i do not blame u for thinking of me tt way...
i should not have quarrel with you about yourr family prob...
i should not have ignore your feelings...
i should not have spent so much money and time on arcade and friends...
i should not have throw my anger at you...
i should not have been addicted to games...
i should not have do those thing that i was not allowed to...
i should not have pushed my luck...
i should not have blame you for most of the problem that i did not kw was cause by me...
i notice i have alot of mistake... and i have learn my lesson... a veri hard lesson...
if u dint not break up wid me... i may even make u worst... but yet... i missed being love...
i should have notice this earlier... but i was dumb... dint take time to notice...
exam was coming... and yet i was still gaming... ignore sch works...
and the end result.... was a harsh thing...

GPA = 3.214

tt is veri low... and i broke up wid u... this 2 are the worst thing to happen this year...
so nw... i decided to change myself... to a better me... this lesson teach me something important...

TO WORK HARD AND TREASURE THOSE WITH YOU!

i must thank you... for being wid me for so long.... knowing i am such a lousy lover...
and yet u stand up for me... been there for me... trying to change me...

Thank You...

there are alot of thing i hav inside me tt need to be said... but then...

words cannot descript them...

and im happy for you... found a good looking guy... and a lovely character...
i wish u all the best in your relationship... may u all be happy 4ever...

if oni i was still ur bf... my last thing to do be4 we break...
is a kiss and say how deeply sorry i am to you...
for letting you down...

i oni hope for your forgiveness...
for being such a jerk...

writting this cried my heart out... i deserved it...

i must work hard to change myself into a better person...

so the past will not repeat itself...

Thank you for forgiving me...
i will treasure those words...

i wish i could find anothe companion... i miss being loved...
AND I SWEAR!!! USING MY LIFE!!!
THAT I WILL NOT!!!
REPEAT MY MISTAKE!!!

Goodbye... Sweet Love Of My Life...
Losing You... Cuts As Deep As A Knife...
I Know I Did you Wrong...
And Thing Weren't Right...
But I Love You Girl...
More Then Life.....

Goodbye... Sweet Love Of My Life...
I Hope He Love You Like I Do...
And Everything Turns Out Right...
I Know I'll Stay... With My Memories Of You...
Goodbye... Sweet Love...
Goodbye And Goodnight...

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Inside a hospital ward, a man was sitting beside a bed, holding a cold hand to his face. He had not left the girl's side since the end of the
operation. They rushed her in immediately, but alas, it was too late, they could not save her. Her last words repeated in an endless loop in his
head, the memory of her voice comforted him slightly in this trying time.

"I love you, Iain, I always will. Go on without me, but please never forget me."

Throughout this he had to hold his tears back, he had promised her that he would always be strong for her, in every situation, that he would be the one who was dependable and brave. But after
whispering those words to him, she went, before he could tell her that he, too, loved her, with every fibre of his being, and that it was impossible for him to ever forget
her. Its not possible for him to forget his soulmate, it seemed impossible for him to continue on without her.

He couldn't think of anything but her, all her hopes, her wants. All that he had promised her but failed to do. How all she ever wanted was to be a model, beautiful, adored, to see herself in the situation,
it was her dream. But it was something he could not give to her, not even on her death bed.
As he looked at her once beautiful face, now full of scars, tears started to roll down his cheeks. It was an attack, one that mutilated her face and body. He had wanted to spend his life with her, but now,
even that is not possible. He could not save her, he felt so helpless, so alone.

He had to leave now, the undertaker had to take her body back to his studio to prepare her for the funeral.
As Iain walked out of the hospital ward door, he felt incomplete, a large part of him was now missing, and it hurt so much. As he thought about the girl, he just knew that he couldn't leave without a part of
her, so he went back into the room and asked the undertaker if he could have a lock of her hair. The burly man took a pair of scissors out of his pocket and snipped off a thick lock of her hair and passed it
to Iain.

"Treasure your memories", the undertaker told him as he left.

The funeral was held two days later, at the cemetary, an area overlooking the sea. Her family sobbed at one side, her friends cried in another. It was a beautiful service, with people going up to the rostrum
to make their speeches about her life, how she made a difference to them, no matter how small or how big a difference, she had indeed left a legacy behind. Iain made his speech as well, depressed as he
was. He wondered to himself, was she happy? Seeing all these people who love and cared for her, attend her funeral, mourning her? Probably not, she had always wanted to make people happy, seeing
such a big group of people crying over her, it would have broke her heart, he tried to push this thought out of his mind.

When it was time for the loved ones to see the girl for the last time, Iain held a package in his hands, bringing it up to the casket where she lay, so still, so dead. The undertaker could not do very much about
her cuts, they were too large, too deep, but despite the lacerations on her face, she was beautiful to him, this girl whom he loved so much. He opened the package, inside was a beautiful doll made of resin,
slightly flexible, incredibly beautiful.

He held the doll and talked to the corpse,

"I made her for you, my love, in your perfect image. It was my project for the past year, I was to give it to you on your birthday... But now i will never have the chance. The lock of your hair which I took from
the undertaker, I used it to make the hair of this doll. Now I will always have a part of you with me, forever. I love you, and I will never forget you. We will meet again, I assure you of this,
you're my soulmate, I know I will definitely see you again, wait for me, my love. I'm so sorry." He was crying as he said this, tears which fell on the face of his dead partner.

As he walked out of the cemetary, after the service, he held the doll firmly in his hands, unknowing that on the face of the doll, tears also rolled down it's flawless, plastic face.

Written by Jeannel Mah Yu Ting

thx for clearing it up... im thinking too much...
sori for the trouble i cause u this few day... i hope u will 4giv me...
for nw i jux gg try to be better and move on... but i need a goal... which i dun hav...
but nw i kw wad i can use as my goal... those last promise i made to u...
tt will be my goal to reach... and i seriously need to stop living in the past...
me emoing about the past aft i saw ur pic... it proves to me tt im still living in the past...
unable to leave behind it...
and i was talk to by alot of ppl... by coaches... by friends... by u...
guess when i say im moving on... i aint...
and nw i must make it come true... cus i causing too much trouble...
for u... for my friends...
nw i jux wanna say...
thank you for all you hav done...
and may we be friends 4ever....
:)

oh btw... im reading ur story rite nw.... for once i must say... i hav change....
im interested in ur story... o.0!
im keeping this story here... as i lik this alot... but credits to u of cus...
nw i seldom play games too... which is a accomplishment...
so plz as a friend... push me along... belive in me... so i can be better...
and will slowly become a better person...

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Date : Feb 24 10

since im so free nw slacking in clubroom... i might as well write something new here...
gd thing nt alot ppl kw this place...

My exams starts 2dae... 24th feb... and when i 1st though of exam... i though back of my gpa...
3.214... which was veri low compare to my previous ite result and my classmates...
then it jux pop up in my mind... those last promise i made... one of which was to study hard... i see my result i also depress... cus i ownself dint work and study hard for my exams...
so as i said alot of time... is time i keep those promises... aft CNY was over... i went to sch library everyday to grp study wid my friend randy and ah deep... since thurs till 2dae... sat sun sch library nt open so study at home...
i reli dedicated to furfilling those last promise... but then wad jer said last fri did had a impact on how i was thinking... the promise i swear to make it come true... it was meant for u... nt meant for myself...
and true... back then my thinking was to change to a better person and nt repeat the past mistake i hav done... and ya it was meant for u back then... and for my friendz... nt for myself..
but nw tt i hav gotten over it... those promises r also for meself... for me to improve... when i think about it... yes during last yr i did alot of stupid thing... even aft we broke up...
it proves tt i hav no improve a single bit... still the same... all words no actions... so nw im gonna prove to all my friendz... no longer words... is time i took actions...

1st : study hard for exams (as mentioned above) 2nd : find a work during holiday earn some cash 3rd : stop arcade or minimize playing it so offen 4th : stop playing games and getting addicted to them

once exams is over... it about time i find a work... and earn some $$... also stop playing arcade so much... save all the money can buy wad u introduced to me...
THE LILIUM PROJECT!
im so gonna buy 1 of tt... gonna save till ard 200+ then ask dad buy for me... maybe buy 2 at 1 shot... no reason actually... jux find it nice wanna get 2... store memories inside them... gonna be so cool!!!
also if u notice... i nw seldom play any game... or can say on9 games.... fb still offen... but nw i dun hav the so call mood to play game... find it bored to play alone...
if i gt some1 to play wid i dun mind... but nw i even seldom touch my psp... tt how much i'v changed... haha...
oh well... nw to wish me luck for my 2nd exam this friday... hope i dun disapoint my friendz... and myself... 2mr study grp library till it close!

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Date : Apr 15 10

If u read my post... the 1 i jux posted... the past... i hav no1 to blame but myself infact..
i had a dream... plz 4giv me if i make any1 irritated or angry or wad... but this the oni place i can say my heart out...
it says that 90% of ppl will 4get their dream in 5 min aft their awaken... but y do i still rmb mine...
the dream was me... inside ur hse... aft we broke up... i was sitting on the sofa... wid ur family surrounding me...
ur crying inside the room on ur bed... ur parents room tt is...
i was trying to chase u back... trying to clear my mistakes...
but ur parents refuse to... they dint allow me to get near u...
ur family was scolding me all the way...
y dint u protect her... y aint u there for her... y dint u support her...
so many scolding... i was jux sitting there crying... trying my best to get u back...
it lasted so long... and finally i woke up...
i hav tears coming out of both my eyes...
my bed was in total mess...
my head was sweating...
it was such a nitemare to me...
but the fact is... is true...
wad the dream told me...
i dint hav responsibility...
i dint treasure u...
and the outcome hurts...
everyone of us has change...
for the better or for the worst...
for me...
i do not kw...
all i wish nw...
is to return to the past...
where we all are still happy..
jux lik in those pic...
but i kw...
is beyond impossible...

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Date : Apr 21 10

What I'm doing now, is detaching myself from the experience...

You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent.

Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it.

Take any emotion -- Love for a woman, or Grief for a Loved one, or what I'm going through, Fear and Pain from my past. If you hold back on the emotions -- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them -- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the Pain, You're afraid of the Grief. You're afraid of the Vulnerability that loving entails.
BUT
by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what Pain is. You know what Love is. You know what Grief is. And only then you say, "All right. I have experience that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

When you learn how to Die, you learn how to Live.

Morrie's approach was exectly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."
Same for loneliness: You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely -- but eventaully be able to say, "All right, that was my moment of loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well."

Detach.

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Date : May 11 10

currently in lecture hall for Operating System Management... but im lazy to listen to the boring lect...
20 more days till it comes... i'v been thinking of how to spend it... but hav yet to come to a conclusion..
*time for HeuCampus Assignment*
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Date : July 5 11

It has been a year since i last touch this area... to be honest... im reading all my blog spot and i still feel hurt...
is now 2011... can say this year was not a good year for me... started off well but it soon went downhill quite deep...
near march.. thr was a incident involving the gurl i lik.. she ran away from home due to issue and well... she did go back aft ard 3hr+ of MIA..
but she decided to chill for a few week... MIA and not to be contacted... we try our best to talk her out but still failed... and ya... for ard 1month+ she MIA...
then soon she came back... but thing was nv quite the same ever since then... is jux... feels different...

and recently... she had a issue wid her so call ah sis... they break contact and dint contact anymore... i tried my best to pull both side tgt and solve this issue but i gt scolded..
for nt understanding what the whole issue was about... and i ended up telling her what was on my mind and wad was bothering me...
that she was partly the reason...
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Date : July 25 11

last Monday... i ask her wad am i worth... and through a long conversation... i finally kw wad im worth... jux a friend... no longer the close friend i am...
i love you deeply... i did ever since last yr... but on my 1st try i failed... even aft tt... ur still on my mind... even when u had a bf...
i jux cant stop thinking bout u... i ask myself y... i ownself do nt kw the ans...
wad did i do wrong in the process tt made this outcome... why did it has to be lik this?
wad can be done to make everything... including u and lifang... back to normal...

gg back to platform for NDP... been bothering me for quite some time now... and aft this incident... my mind been thinking the wrong stuff daily... and it gets worst when i go back platform...
my mind cant stop thinking of the decision i made when im here at the platform... wad i could hav chosen instead of this...
and worst of all... my mind kept having flash back images of u and me tgt...
i force myself to be cheerful.. to talk or do something to keep my mind off this...
but i guess it dint do much... my body and mind is jux feeling down at this point...
nw i think... did i make another wrong decision here... did i jux ended another story...
becus my life feels that way...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
a conversation i had with li jwee that i find true...

well...unless u find she is worth waiting...
else i would say... time to fly kite...
i also asked myself...
if my that her is worth waiting...
when she is down... she look for me
when lovey dovey... where am i ?
i came to a conclusion...
li jwee
wake up
and fly kite
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Date : July 29 11

at 2.30pm... on the 28th of July... i had a chat wid her... and i guess it will be the final 1 too... i told her about all the issues..
the bf msg to lifang saying about stella... stella expectation of ppl to kw their own mistakes... i too expect her to kw her mistake...
but she also dunno... so i kinda... u can say... "Scolded" her... for the an entire 30min... i say out my mind bout wad i think of her nw...
she cried... as expected... i was shaking all e way... if u think i enjoy scolding her... i felt worst... but i wan to end it...
Pei ling was thr to listen to the entire conversation... wad she think... i dun care...
to sum it all up... i will put it simple...

The Stella i used to know... Ceased To Exist...

guess i did end another story...

July 28 2011 / 3.00PM
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To self, Create a Note To Self Page to store info when needed
To Show Mom, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpeDQuttrgU
http://qii-veri-own-cosy-corner.blogspot.sg